


maybe something gold can stay

by lefticurse



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8240429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefticurse/pseuds/lefticurse
Summary: wow, ryan mutters. he touches brendon’s cheek with his index finger. you’re so beautiful.thanks, brendon answers, unsure.you’d be beautiful even if i were sober, ryan says, whispering like it’s a secret.





	

brendon meets ryan on a golden friday. brendon is sitting on a bench and ryan stumbles next to him, grabbing onto brendon’s arm to steady himself.

 _wow_ , ryan mutters. he touches brendon’s cheek with his index finger. _you’re so beautiful._

 _thanks_ , brendon answers, unsure.

 _you’d be beautiful even if i were sober_ , ryan says, whispering like it’s a secret.

 _thanks_ , brendon whispers back. ryan flops on his back, resting his head on brendon’s lap. ryan giggles.

 _i’m so sleepy._ he mumbles. and then he goes to sleep.

brendon frowns, brushing the hair from ryan’s face. he lets him sleep. he thinks that that’s the only thing he can do for now.

 

when ryan wakes up, he squints up at the sunlight.

 _oh_ , he says, once he sees brendon’s face. _hi._ he says.

 _hi_. brendon says. _are you okay?_

 _huh?_ ryan asks, sitting up. brendon can see the confusion in his eyes. _yeah._ he finally answers.

 _i’m brendon_. brendon introduces himself.

 _ryan_ , ryan responds, and he grins again, and it almost reaches his eyes this time. brendon grins back.

 

their first kiss is bitter, in the light of the street lamps. it’s hazy and raining.

brendon sees the raindrops on ryan’s eyelashes and feels the thunderstorm in his head.

ryan tastes like smoke. ryan tastes like cheap wine and cherry-flavored vodka, and brendon still sees the lightning flash behind his eyelids.

 

the first time brendon says _i love you_ is bitter too. ryan smiles and laughs and pokes brendon’s cheeks.

 _no you don’t_ , ryan says, and his voice is melodic and happy but his eyes look so far away. _you couldn’t possibly._

 _i do_ , brendon replies, but ryan just shakes his head so his hair is covering his eyes. he peeks at brendon through his hair.

 _you shouldn’t_ , ryan answers, his eyes sad. _you shouldn’t_. but then he’s grinning again, pupils blown. his eyes are still sad, but he’s smiling. it makes brendon sick.

 

the first time ryan says _i love you_ is sweet. brendon tastes it on his tongue, thinks he tastes birthday cake and pumpkin spice, and then he’s tasting ryan, breathing in ryan, and ryan doesn’t taste bitter this time. he tastes like peppermint, and brendon loves it, loves him, and he’s not sure he’ll get this again, but he pushes those thoughts aside because right now, ryan still tastes like peppermint and brendon still tastes the sweetness.

 _maybe everything will be okay_ , brendon thinks to himself, doubt seeping through his pores. _maybe_.

 

and it is, it is okay, until it is not. until ryan stumbles to brendon’s, face flushed, slurring something incomprehensible while brendon picks him up off the floor and tucks him into bed. 

until brendon visits ryan back, days later, and ryan is so quiet as brendon takes in the empty bottles and ziplock bags, the white still covering the coffee table.

until ryan is sobbing, about nothing and everything, curled up on the ground, and brendon wants to help, he has always wanted to help, but he doesn’t know what to do besides just hold him and whisper reassurances in his ear.

so that’s what he does. that’s what he always does.

 

 _i know fairy tales._ ryan says one day when he’s laying against brendon, ryan’s heart beating fast, his fingers tapping, drumming brendon’s chest. brendon looks down at him and ryan’s eyes are glassy, and twitching, and looking away. _my mom used to read them to me when i was a kid._ ryan stops then, says nothing for a full four minutes, just shrinks down, and brendon sees ryan then, crying into his shirt.

 _she’s gone now, b. she’s gone! she’s gone, so how am i supposed to have my happy ending now?_ ryan asks, screams, and he’s still crying, his voice hoarse and high. _she took it with her, she stole it from me, and now i’m stuck._

 _ryan,_ brendon tries, but ryan doesn’t listen.

 _and you have to go too!_ ryan shouts, _you have to go too, or you’ll be stuck with me. stuck with no happily ever after, stuck with nothing but a fucked up fuck up._ ryan breathes, fast, then slow. _fucked up fuck up. fucked up fuck up. fucked up fuck up._ ryan giggles softly to himself, and brendon feels his heart clench because the laughter isn’t real, this isn’t real, and brendon needs it to be real. _i’ll fuck up your chances, b. ill fuck up your fucked up fuck up chances._ ryan continues, laughter gone. _where will your happy ending go?_

 _i was never in it for the happy ending,_ brendon says back, and he doesn’t think ryan will remember this in the morning but ryan burrows his head in the crook of brendon’s neck and breathes, fast, then slow, and brendon thinks he’ll just tell ryan again, and again, and again, if he has to.

 

and for the next week brendon doesn’t see ryan at all, until brendon knocks timidly on ryan’s door and ryan opens it, with dark circles under his eyes and poison in his veins.

 _ryan,_ brendon wants to ask what’s going on, say something that’ll help, do something other than stand there, but ryan cuts him off.

 _what are you doing here?_ he asks. _leave me alone._ but brendon won’t, and he doesn’t.

 _no, ryan. talk to me_ , he pleads, and ryan shakes his head so hard brendon almost feels dizzy.

 _i’ll only bring you down with me. don’t you see that?_ he screams, and brendon should be terrified, maybe, but he’s not.

 _yes_. brendon answers.

 _is that what you want?_ ryan asks, and it’s not a real question but brendon swallows and answers anyway.

_yes._

ryan is quiet then, and he stops. brendon stops too.

 _i don’t even love you._ ryan says, and his words are biting, but the way he closes his eyes and clenches his fist like he wants to take it back hurts even more. _i never even loved you. okay brendon? i loved that you loved me._

and brendon thinks maybe it’s time to leave, to let ryan destroy himself and everyone around him.

brendon does not need to be a part of that anymore.

but he _wants_ to. he _wants_ to be around ryan, even if it can only hurt.

 _that’s okay_ , brendon ends up choking out. _that’s okay. i can live with that._ and ryan’s knuckles are white and his nails are digging into his skin and brendon takes ryan’s hand and uncurls it and wipes the blood away and cradles ryan’s hand flat against his chest. he knows there’ll be drops of blood left on his shirt and doubts ryan will be there in the morning, but it’s okay, it’s _okay_ , because ryan is letting brendon touch him and that’s enough for now.

 _but i’m not sure_ i _can._ ryan confesses softly, and he looks into brendon’s eyes and brendon stares back.

ryan’s pupils aren’t that dilated anymore, and his eyes are focused, but he looks wrecked and trapped and scared.

 _i need to go_ , ryan says, and he yanks his hand away. he clenches his fist again.

 _ryan_ , brendon starts to call, but ryan is already gone.

 

then ryan is back, two nights later, shaking and breathing hard and crying, crouched in berndon’s doorframe.

 _i’m sorry_ , he whispers, clutching brendon’s arm. _i’m sorry, i lied. i lied._

 _about what, ry?_ brendon asks, but ryan shakes his head and brendon figures there will be time for that later.

 _you know, being with me. it won’t be nice and happy and fun. i’ll fuck up so much. i’ll hurt you and fuck_ you _up too. not because i want to. it’s just. i don’t know how not to._ ryan tells him.

 _i know._ brendon answers, tugging ryan close to hold him. _but it’s worth it. it is so worth it._

 _what if you don’t get your happy ending?_ ryan asks.

 _i was never in it for the happy ending_ , brendon says again, and he’s not sure if ryan remembers the first time but ryan smiles, a small smile, and it looks real.

brendon squeezes him a little tighter, and ryan lets him, snakes his arms around brendon’s waist and holds him back, even, and brendon feels like things will be okay. _everything will be okay_ , he tells himself. this time, he believes it.

 

when brendon wakes up, his first thought is, _ryan_. his second thought is, _today_.

he looks back forty-six days ago, when ryan checked himself into rehab, whispering, _i’ll get better, bren. i’ll do it for you_ , and brendon had told him, _do it for yourself._

ryan had smiled.

 _okay_ , he had said. _okay._

brendon gets out of bed and takes a quick shower but skips breakfast. he’s too excited to eat.

he drives until he sees a familiar white building and a familiar figure standing on the curb.

brendon pulls up and rolls down the window to call to the man.

 _what, ry, are you waiting for a formal invitation?_ he asks, and ryan laughs. brendon thinks it’s the best thing he’s heard in a while.

a very long while.

ryan opens the door and gets in.

 _hi_. ryan says, softly, almost shyly. he touches brendon’s wrist lightly with his index finger.

brendon thinks maybe he just wanted to touch.

he knows the feeling.

brendon leans in and kisses him softly, and ryan lets him in.

brendon still tastes sweetness. he still sees lightning behind his eyes.

 _hi_. he says when they separate. he begins to pull away from the curb. _so what now?_ he asks.

_well, i come back and live with you, right? and i have to go in for therapy and group twice a week for a while. but then i’m done._

_but, i mean. what now?_ brendon repeats.

 _well,_ ryan starts, thinking. _well i guess we live happily ever after. right?_ brendon grins, and takes one hand off the wheel to take ryan’s hand.

it’s steady, and firm, and strong.

ryan squeezes.

 _yeah_. brendon replies, almost to himself. _as well as we can._

 

and they did.

(as well as they could.)

 


End file.
